Are you too stupid to be a lawyer?

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Is Law School a Losing Game?

In this article (above link) by DAVID SEGAL, published Jan 8, 2011, in the NYTimes, miserable law school graduates with gynormous debts whine about:

  1. Not being able to get a high-paying job with a m ajor NYC law firm
  2. Not being able to find a job
  3. Not being able to find a job that pays $160,0 00/year
  4. Not being able to pay back huge debts accrued going to law school
  5. Having been tricked by law schools into believing they’d automatically get a job making $160,000/year
  6. Being lied to by an institution
  7. Having been robbed by law school because of high tuition
  8. Having to pay back loans they took to pay for law school
  9. Having to also pay back debt they accrued as undergraduates
  10. Not having someone tell them it wasn’t a good idea to go to law school
  11. That lady at law school didn’t tell me NOT to apply
  12. Bad, bad law schools tricked them into going in debt
  13. Law school accepted me, even though they knew I’d have to borrow money
  14. Not having someone tell them how much it would cost to pay back hundreds of thousands of dollars
  15. Not being told they shouldn’t borrow hundreds of thousands of dollars
  16. Not having someone point out they’ll have to pay it back
  17. If they have a job, being made to work under conditions usually reserved for slaves & first grade teachers
  18. Being disrespected by employers, if they find a job
  19. Being fired for disrespecting their employer
  20. Thinking law school was an investment & finding out it wasn’t any more an investment than sub-prime mortgages or hedge funds
  21. Finding out that even with a job, most lawyers don’t make $160,000/year
  22. Not being told there was a good reason that particular law school was ranked in the bottom 25%, and finally
  23. you can’t eat a JD degree.

Warning! Warning!

Compassion block! Compassion block!!!

How stupid do you have to be??? I can see, if it were the 1980s, how they’d have something to complain about – after all, lawyers ruled that decade! But it’s not. DUH. It’s the 21st century. We have the interwebs. College students are supposed to know how to do research, or at least search the interwebs to buy copies of term papers… College students have even, occasionally, been suspected of the capacity for critical thinking – or at least buying a book called something like “What you should know before you apply to law school”. I can not weep for a “man” who chose his law school because he thought it would be nice to live in San Diego.

Or a boy who already had excessive debt from undergraduate & masters programs, and then decided to take on law school debt, too. Or the girl who thought they’d just hook her up with someone and a job would happen. The young women & men who continue to live in NYC, despite no job prospects & miserable living conditions.

Much Dragonmum compassion block.

Guess what? A fact of life: EVERYONE lies. Including US News & WP, law schools & your mother. (she told you about Santa Claus, right?) The more money involved, the bigger the lies. Get over it. It’s not going to change.

It’s your responsibility to check the facts.

Since it seems that no one gave these pathetic children any guidance in making responsible choices, or taught them critical thinking, research techniques or how to handle money, they had to rely on nothing but their exceptionally poor decision-making skills. In an attempt to save a future generation from making these same hideous mistakes, I offer here a small multiple choice test quiz game:

Are you too stupid to be a lawyer?

Please read the following 20 questions carefully. Choose the best answer based on your own reality & beliefs. Check your answers carefully; once you get to the bottom, you will have no chance to go back and change your answers. Keep track of your answers so you can use the ratings scale at the end. Good luck! Have fun!

1. Do all lawyers make at least $160,000/year?

a) Yes

b) No

c) As long as they pass the Bar exam

d) That’s the interest on my trust fund.

e) Only if they have a second job as a stripper

2. Are all lawyers employed by law firms?

a) Of course!

b) I think so; Daddy is.

c) as long as they pass the Bar exam

d) No

e) Only the ones willing to whore themselves for a living & give up their life

3. Does everyone look up to lawyers?

a) Of course!

b) I do! Daddy’s taller than me!

c) only if they pass the Bar exam

d) No

e) What’s a bus full of lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

4. Do all lawyers work in New York City?

a) Yes

b) Well, I want to.

c) All but Uncle Orsiruss, and he drinks.

d) No

e) Not even all lawyers in NYC work!

5. I graduated from:

a) a public university with a great GPA

b) a small, elite private school with an OK GPA

c) that place Daddy paid for. What’s a GPA?

d) the school of hard knocks with lots of experience

e) umm, college… well, I mean, it took 6 years, and I transferred… that’s why my GPA looks so low…

6. I have:

a) next to no undergraduate debt. I worked my way through school &/or had scholarships.

b) no undergraduate debt, but Mom & Dad saved since I was an embryo & mortgaged the house.

c) a lot of undergraduate debt, but, hey, it was Columbia, so it was worth it, right?

d) those people who keep calling me. Why do they have to inform me it’s an attempt to collect a debt?

e) Daddy, what’s debt?

7. Do you know at least 3 lawyers under 40?

a) Yes

b) Yes, but I don’t tell anyone I know them

c) No

d) There are lawyers under 40?

e) They’re all really nice to me at Daddy’s office, too!

8. Do you know at least 3 lawyers under 40 who think it’s a good idea for you to go to law school?

a) I told you I don’t tell anyone I know them!

b) No one has ever said I should go to law school

c) Yes, they think I’ll be really good at it & be able to find just the job I want. Really!

d) Yes, but they were rolling on the floor peeing themselves when they gasped it out.

e) Daddy says I shouldn’t listen to them

9. I want to go to law school because:

a) I want to make a lot of money

b) I want to be an advocate for a good cause; I can make a difference as a lawyer

c) I want to be a consultant for  Law-related TV shows

d) People will be impressed when I tell them I’m a lawyer

e) Daddy, remind me why I want to go to law school?

10. I think $160,000/year is:

a) enough to have a great apartment in NYC, wonderful social life, take a month’s vacation in Aruba, and comfortably pay back all my law school debt.

b) barely enough to rent a one bedroom apt & eat in NYC, much less have a family or pay student loans.

c) enough to have a life, a spouse, 2 kids, a nanny, a 2,500 sq ft house, a Mercedes, good health & dental and pay off student loans , too.

d) a pretty decent income in most parts of the country, especially without much student debt.

e) what my last car cost, wasn’t it?

11. At the school I want to attend, I will speak with:

a) the admissions office

b) a) and the 3 alums they said would love to talk

c) b) and 3 alums I selected randomly from a list of graduates from the last 5 years and current students

d) no one. They don’t say I had to do that on the application.

e) sooo many people! I meet them every time we go back for Daddy’s reunions.

12. The research I will do on this school includes:

a) Looked at their brochure & their USN&WP rank

b) a) and visited the school website

c) b) and doing extensive Internet searches to find out who graduated, where they are working & how much they actually earn

d) talking to a friend of Daddy’s who went there 30 years ago

e) research?

13. It is important to me to go to a school in:

a) a place close to home so I can take my laundry for Mom to do

b) a place it stays warm all year long

c) a place they speak English

d) a place I can live comfortably without fear of bodily harm

e) the town where Daddy has an apartment for me to use.

14. Graduating from law school entitles you to:

a) a cup of coffee at Starbucks if you have $5.

b) put J.D. on your resume

c) admiration from friends, relatives & strangers

d) live in NYC the rest of your life

e) a Porsche. Isn’t that what you said, Daddy?

15. The Bar exam is:

a) a test on what you learn in law school

b) only important if you actually intend to practice law

c) impossible to pass unless you take a $1000 Kaplan review class

d) hard & has little to do with law school classes, but I know how to learn new things quickly

e) Umm, do I have to take another test?

16. If I borrow $300,000 at 5% interest:

a) I can pay it off in 10 years if I get that job on Wall Street

b) it better be for a mortgage on a really nice house, not to go to law school!

c) I won’t worry about it. I mean, they don’t have debtor’s prisons, right?

d) Daddy will invest it for me, and I’ll have made $300,00 after I pay it back.

e) I’ll take out life insurance so my great-grandchildren won’t still be paying it off in 2080.

17. Law school is:

a) a great place to meet chicks

b) fun, if you’re into that sort of thing

c) hard work if you want to do well, no matter where you go

d) where the entire family expects me to go after college

e)  a great place to find a husband, right Mommy?

18. The government & academic institutions:

a) have high ethical standards & always act morally.

b) are usually trustworthy

c) lie.

d) lie and don’t care if you know it.

e) Isn’t an institution where Aunt Jenny is?

19. Employers:

a) often reward you if you work hard & do a good job

b) should always be respected & obeyed

c) are so awed at a law degree, they will hire you instantly

d) have to look out for their own bottom line; they usually don’t do much hiring in a bad economy

e) are just like Daddy!!

20. Life is:

a) like a box of chocolates

b)  a bowl of cherries

c) a long & miserable slog through brutish madness

d) what I make of it

e) That magazine?

Scoring – Here comes your reality check, bro!

  • You took this quiz: -5
  • It took you more than 5 minutes: -5

(Not starting out so well here, are we?)

The answers are in columns under their point score. Give yourself the appropriate amount of points for each question.  And look, if your total isn’t a multiple of 5, I’ll KNOW you cheated!

******** ** 10  *   5   *   0  *    -5  *    -10 ** ***
************************************

  • 1.         e         b       c        a         d
  • 2.         e         d       c        a         b
  • 3.         e         d       c        b         a
  • 4.         e         d       b        a         c
  • 5.         d         a       b        e         c
  • 6.         a         b       c        d         e
  • 7.         a         b       c        d         e
  • 8.         c         a       b        d         e
  • 9.         c         b       a        d         e
  • 10.       b        d        a        c         e
  • 11.       c         b       a        d         e
  • 12.       c         b       a        d         e
  • 13.       d         c       a        b         e
  • 14.       a         b       c        d         e
  • 15.       b         d       a        c         e
  • 16.       b         e       a        c         d
  • 17.       b         d       c        a         e
  • 18.       d         c       b        a         e
  • 19.       d         a       b        c         e
  • 20.       c         d       a        b         e

Your reality check…

If you scored:

195-135 You are WAY TOO smart to consider going to law school. Really! I can’t stop you, but you might be happier if you go into something lucrative, like plumbing, auto maintenance or mythbusting.

130-70 Congratulations! You are probably the perfect candidate to go to law school, do well & be a decent lawyer.

65-5 Not so bright, are we? If you go to law school, don’t count on finding a job that will help pay back any loans. Better start working on your stripper skills! Have you considered selling real estate, instead?

0- -100 You are too stupid to be a lawyer & don’t even know it. Well, I’m telling you now. You are too stupid to be a lawyer. Don’t go to law school. I hear the local auto parts store is looking for a new salesman. You probably think I really do know you cheated!!

If you scored -101 or lower, you’re definitely too stupid to be a lawyer, but you might as well go to law school anyway. You’re never actually going to practice law. Daddy’s giving you a free ride, you’ll push up everyone’s average, you’ll find a wonderful spouse, too. Isn’t that right, Daddy?

What world do these entitled, IQ-challenged young JDs live in??

My daughter  is too smart to go to law school. She’s in law school anyway, but she has a plan!  Having gone to NC State University on full tuition scholarship, she has little undergrad debt. She has a degree in Forestry & Public Policy, has worked as a high-tech forester, and is now studying Environmental Law at Pace on a full tuition scholarship. This year, she’s on Environmental Law Review, has a part-time job & has an on-line business.  She will OWN you & be Empress of the World. Bow down before her awesomeness!!!

Take THAT, stupid lawyers.

Artwork by me, the magnificent, grandiose Dragonmum

A bus full of lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start…

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